My mother always said, “You’re going to kiss 100 frogs before you meet your Prince Charming.” When I was a kid, I really prayed that I would get lucky and that my first boyfriend would be the love of my life. Unfortunately, as much as I hate to say it, my mother was right. In my nearly-twenty years, I fear I have encountered more frogs than princes anyway. I would meet a boy, he’d seem very sweet, then turn into the evilest man I’ve ever met overnight. Like fuck, it can’t be this hard. And just right when I was going to hit my vape and jump off a cliff to save myself from any more disappointment, there was Aiden Thatcher. The quiet and odd guy in my friend group, who actually turned out to be quite alright.
Recently, Aiden and I decided to FaceTime for our one-month. Yes, it might be cheesy and juvenile, but we’ve been apart for a month. We simply wanted to celebrate our first month and that we managed to not kill one another! All jokes, of course. However, the topic of exes and old talking stages got brought up, and I wanted to hear stories. I try not to be the jealous type (especially when I can’t judge because I used to see his best friend, Juan Rivera). But then, a name got brought up that nearly made me shit and have a heart attack at the same time.
Maisley Kapoor.
Now, you’ve never heard this name before as I’ve never mentioned it. But back in September, I was drinking and smoking cigarettes with Juan and Maria. The three of us had been gossiping about our friends and our own romantic lives. But sometime in that conversation, Maria had dropped the bomb that Maisley was Aiden’s first love. It was hooking up and deep talks for months. Aiden was borderline in love with Maisley, but she didn’t want the relationship. They went to different colleges, and that was the end of it. Aiden and Maisley haven’t seen each other since. And yet, she has always had a mark on Aiden.
“Daisy (Juan’s girlfriend) is here visiting Juan; they’ve been hanging out with this group of girls that I don’t really like.” Aiden had said dismissive and with a shrug.
“Why don’t you like them?” I already knew why. I just wanted to hear what he would say.
“One of the girls is kinda like an ex, and it wouldn’t feel right hanging out with her. But I also just don’t like that group very much.”
“Oh damn, what was her name?”
“Maisley.”
And that was that. The rest of the conversation went well. He got off the phone with a smile, and I got off the phone looking for the nearest rope to hang myself with. It was my fault; I shouldn’t have asked about his past. The truth was though; I didn’t care about the others; it was just Maisley. What did she look like? Her personality? Did she have a contagious kind of laugh, or was it the softer kind? Was she good in bed? Did you hold her the same way you hold me? I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up and crying. I really wanted to let it go. I really did…that was until I got online and found her Instagram.
Fuck. She’s beautiful. She had long curly black hair with the biggest brown eyes anyone had ever seen. Not to mention, she was very fit. Just overall, this Maisley chick was so gorgeous it actually physically hurt. And suddenly, my search for that rope to hang myself with became even more important to me. I had become obsessed with my new boyfriend’s ex. Or in other words, obsessed over a woman I had never met. I felt so little, as if Aiden had just settled for the first girl willing to date him. No matter how much I tried to dismissive negative thoughts, they stayed in the back of my mind.
I had heard before that no one ever truly gets over their first love. It’s a popular theory all over social media right now. That when you first fall in love and it fails, you will still think about them fifty years down the road. Any time I’ve asked someone older in my life about their first love, they can name them immediately, along with all of their memories of them. So that’s when the question came to my mind.
Do we really ever get over our exes? Or have we just accepted we’ll never get back together, so we search for the next best thing? It was a question that was rocking my brain for days. Not only that, but my ovulation week had come. Which meant even though I was anxious, I needed Aiden or something to stick its tongue in my mouth or just lie on top of me. Sigh, the joys of womanhood! So many emotional ups and downs.
The other day, I had met up with my best friends at home: Olga Bennet, Brianna Martinez, and Trent Peters. The four of us were craving some midnight pancakes. And so, we decided to meet up at IHOP for food and debriefing.
“I have a confession,” I started, sipping on my coffee. “I am seeing Aiden on Friday. And if I don’t get a kiss, I am going to put my tongue in one of y’all’s mouths.” Trent nearly gagged on his food while Olga and Brianna laughed.
Brianna put her hand on my shoulder. “Girl, I’ll do it for free.”
“I’ll do it. It’s been a minute for me, too.” Olga shrugged. But Trent waved a finger up.
“For the sake of my sanity, and my morals, I will not be doing that.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had male contact. Do not be surprised if I start dry humping one of your guys’ legs.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re in fucking heat bro. Someone needs to spay you.”
Olga laughed. “And that’s ok. I’m sure you’ll get a kiss.”
“Maybe not. I’m meeting his parents that night too.”
“Lane, don’t you think it might be a little soon?” Brianna furrowed her eyebrows. “You guys have been together for…a month?”
I sighed. “Yeah, but his parents are across the country. I most likely won’t get to meet them again for a while. Not to mention, Maisley probably got to meet his parents too, so I need to show them that I’m the better girlfriend.”
“You guys are the reason I’m an alcoholic. We should’ve gone somewhere I could’ve gotten a beer.” Trent put his head on the table. Olga smiled while putting a hand on his back.
“Are you still on this, girl? If he wanted to be with her, he would be.”
“Yeah, but I just can’t get her out of my head. They did everything together. I mean, he and I haven’t even had sex yet. What if he thinks I’m some loser virgin?”
Trent raised his head. “Oh, he does. Respectfully.”
“Die.”
Brianna intervened. “It’s only been a month, though. I think you’re thinking too deeply into this.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Hey, if it means anything to you,” Olga smirked. “I’ll have sex with you if he doesn’t.”
I smirked back. “And that is why I love you.”
The rest of the night had gone well. Lots of laughs and fun. But still, I was overthinking everything. Brianna, Olga, and Trent tried to help, and they’re great friends. Yet, they had no idea what it was like to be an inexperienced girl with an experienced boy with multiple exes. It started to even feel like no one in my life knew anything about it. The question of “do people really get over their exes?” began to turn into “can someone new to intimacy be with someone who knows all about it?” My insecurities were getting a hold of me and refusing to let go. It even got to the point where I believed Aiden was going to breakup with me BECAUSE I wasn’t like his exes (mostly Maisley). And just when all hope was lost, there was an unexpected angel there to give me advice.
Casper is a bartender at the movie theater I work at. He’s in his late 20’s, married, and has two children. The man absolutely adores his wife and will never stop talking about how wonderful marriage is. Casper and I love to chat it up from time to time over stupid shit. Well, one day, we were assigned to go clean a theater that had a movie showing in it 30-minutes later. We were sweeping and wiping down seats when suddenly he asked:
“So, Lane, how’s the boyfriend?” The wave of insecurity overflooded me again.
“I think we’re gonna breakup.”
“Oh, no. Why?”
“We had the exes talk, and he shut down conversation about his latest ex. Her name’s Maisley.”
Casper let out a chuckle. “Sounds like the guy still has some pain there, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I let out a chuckle with him. “I don’t know. I know I probably shouldn’t dump this on you. But he’s my first boyfriend, and I think I just feel insecure that he has so much experience. And I have none.”
“I understand. My wife and I were in the exact same situation when we first started dating. I was her first everything while I had already had all my firsts with other people.”
That is when I felt some hope. An older experienced man was able to give me another point of view. Then, some of that worry started to go away with each word he said.
“Really?” I asked him.
Casper nodded. “In fact, I had a girl before my wife, I thought I was gonna marry. But that ran its course. Anyway, I’m gonna tell you this, Lane. This is from the perspective of the experienced guy.”
“Go on, I’m ready.”
“Just because you guys weren’t our firsts, doesn’t mean you’re still not important to us. No, you weren’t our first kisses, first girlfriends, first times. But it’s just different. When I started dating my wife and kissing her, it just felt different from it had with any girl before. And that’s how I knew I wanted to marry her. That kind of different was so nice I never wanted to let it go.”
“Casper, that was kind of beautiful. I might have to quote that.” I gasped with a large grin. He just laughed again and continued to sweep the floor.
“My point is that sometimes exes are learning experiences to be better and to know what we want. And once we’re ready, the universe brings us our spouse. So, if you really like your boyfriend and he really likes you, you should see his exes as just learning experiences. Not girls you still need to be worried over.”
With that, I finally had a conclusion to my question.
Yes, exes do leave an impact on our lives. They teach us love and heartbreak all in one. Exes force us to show vulnerability and to put our guards down. However, at the same time, they also prompt us to examine ourselves and how we can improve. What we did right and wrong in that relationship; what we can use from that experience to move forward with the next person. After all, they don’t say “love is a battlefield” for nothing. So, what was Maisley to me anyway? She was just some girl who also used Aiden as a learning experience. She was the past. I am the present.