On Sunday night, it was time for my dinner with my college friend group. Since I officially moved back last Thursday, I’ve had a lot on my plate with setting up my new apartment with my roommates (Alyssa Phan, Molly Smith, and Miriam Rossi). Then getting groceries, learning my way around campus now that I have a car, and a bunch of random shit. Well, on Saturday night, I got a text from Aiden Thatcher (ex-situationship, Juan Rivera’s best friend). He invited our friend group out to grab dinner as a way to celebrate the start of a new school year. The group consists of Aiden, Juan, my friends Kaylee Brown, Rachel Boone, Kaylee’s roommate Maria Perez, and Rachel’s boyfriend Devin Stallard. I was naturally really anxious at the thought of seeing Juan again. It was a thought that had consumed my brain all Summer, and now it was finally here. Would he talk to me? Would he give me dirty looks? I wasn’t sure what to expect.
In case you’re new to the blog, I’ll run it down for you. Juan and I met through our mutual friend, Kaylee, back in April. What started out as group hangouts soon turned into dates in his car or staying out until 3:00AM together. We agreed to be exclusive and committed… that was until Summer break started. Juan went ghost for 4-days; then he called me up to tell me he lost feelings and that he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was so utterly heartbroken. It felt like I had a stomach full of rocks with a chest that couldn’t breathe. I crashed out really bad in May, but I soon got myself back together. Juan immediately started sleeping with new women while partying nearly every night. He and I didn’t talk for the entire Summer. Now that we all have moved back up to ZSU, the time has come that I know we both have been dreading. The “ex-factor: reunion edition”.
Rachel ended up needing a ride, so I took no time in offering to pick her up. Devin couldn’t make it, as he needed to work. And Rachel doesn’t have car, but you can always count on me to pull through. Except, I couldn’t pull through on good timing. ZSU’s traffic was awful, per usual on a weekend. We ended up being twenty-minutes late to dinner. When she hopped into my car that evening, her eyes immediately flooded with tears.
“I’m sorry, AC. I’ve just had the shittiest week of my life.” Rachel wiped a tear that ran down her face. “So, excuse me if I break down.”
I didn’t really know what to say. I’ve never been good at emotions, nor at comforting others. All I could really say was: “Girl, you’re all good. What happened?”
Rachel’s busy week with her sorority and rocky relationship with Devin had taken a toll on her. She is just at a low right now, which all adults seem to go through at one point or another. Heavy on young adults. Our age group seems to go through ups-and-downs constantly. Also, I had been in a bad spot before. Like I said, back in May. I managed to brighten the mood a little by the time Rachel and I found a parking spot for dinner. When we hopped out of the car, Rachel started talking about how hungry she was and classes starting the next day. For me, I kept a smile and pretended to be paying attention. Inside my mind, I could only think about Juan. In t-minus, two-minutes, I would be sitting at the same dinner table as him. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK MY LIFE.
I opened the door to the Mexican restaurant, and there they were. There he was. He was the first one to find me. Juan stopped mid-sip of his drink to watch Rachel, and I walk in. I kept my eyes on Kaylee as we sat down at the table. I greeted everyone at the table, except for him.
“Aiden, how was your internship this Summer?” I asked with a smile, reaching for a chip.
Aiden smiled back. “It was fine. I was living in a shitty part of the city though, so you already know how that went. I jumped around from place to place a lot.”
“Yikes, but hey, you got done.”
“Nah, exactly.”
I looked over at Kaylee next. “How’s Derek?”
“I’m gonna kill him.”
“See, you keep saying that. Yet, you haven’t killed him. I’m sure y’all with be fine though.”
Kaylee gasped. “‘Oh! When is your interview with “The Proper Pepperoni”?”‘
“Ah, next Tuesday.”
“‘She’s applying for a job at “The Proper Pepperoni”.”‘ Kaylee announced to the table. Juan looked over with his eyebrows raised.
“Oh, really?” Juan looked at me, eating a chip.
“Yeah.” I said, then turned my attention away from him. Juan kept staring at me for a few more moments, then he looked away and began talking to Maria. I realized that I may have been a little rude, but I just didn’t know what to say to him. More like I had so much I wanted to say, but even as I’m writing this, I’ve lost it all. When it comes down to the idea of talking to him, I just can’t find the words I’ve really wanted to say for the last few months.
The six of us shared stories over our Summers. I shared one about the time I took too many edibles at my friend, Trent’s birthday party, back in May. Juan made a joke, I commented, we laughed, and that was the extent of the conversation. After some more chips and quesadillas later, it was time to pay the bill then head back to our own homes for classes the next day. We all paid our parts, and that was that. Aiden and Juan walked one way, and us girls walked the other way.
“The reunion is over.” Kaylee joked.
“Literally.”
“Omg, the reunion.” Maria giggled. The two of them walked away to Kaylee’s car, leaving Rachel and I alone to walk to mine.
Rachel pursed her lips as she crossed her arms. “Was that awkward for you?”
“I’m gonna lie, a little. It’s just that Juan and I used to see each other, and now we don’t. And the fact that at one point, we were all over each other; and now that we’re not, it’s weird.”
“No, I get that. The night you all came over to Devin and Aiden’s apartment back in April, we could all see it. You two definitely had chemistry.”
“Yeah, and now we don’t.” I opened the door for Rachel. “Here, you go.”
“Oh, I’ve never had such sweet treatment.” Rachel laughed as she put a hand on her chest.
“Of course, pookie. Anything for you.”
“Why do I need Devin when I have you?”
“That’s what I’m saying.” We both laughed. ZSU’s traffic was still bad even on the way back home from dinner. I dropped Rachel off at Devin’s place, then I drove myself home. Upon arrival back home, I talked to my roommates and our friend, Carter Bui, about the dinner. I also chatted with my mother about it, as any college girl does. Then, I talked to my best friends back home, Brianna Martinez and Trent Peters, about it. Once I got it all out of my system, I could put the dinner behind me and continue on with my life. For once, I didn’t overthink anything. Suddenly, Juan and that dinner weren’t a big deal at all.
Sike. I lied.
It was a huge deal. A huge deal that rocked my brain for the rest of the evening, and the next day, and the day after that. I didn’t know what would happen next between Juan and I at all. If we would continue to treat one another coldly. Or perhaps something good could come out of it, such as a fresh new start? Which lead me down to one question only:
Is it possible to be just friends with an ex?
I’ve tried to think of couples in my life that managed to stay friends after their breakup…and I couldn’t think of any. My friend, Madeline Thomas, and her high school boyfriend, Robby, were consistently on-and-off again. They ended things permanently on good terms; however, they didn’t stay friends. So that was a bad example. Then I thought about my own parents, who seemed to stay on pretty good terms even though they didn’t stay together. But that was probably only because of me. In conclusion, I couldn’t think of any couples in my own life that managed to stay friends after a breakup. Yikes.
Then it made me think more. Juan and I were never officially “boyfriend and girlfriend”. We were exclusive; that was it. Our titles only went as far as “my man and my girl”. Which makes me think over this question again:
Is it possible to be just friends with an old fling, even one that didn’t have a label?
To be honest, this is a conflict I have no experience on. I’ve managed to be friends with old crushes, but never old lovers. The few talking stages I’ve had have become just men in my memories. I decided to go to Kaylee for some insight on this. Since she’s older with a little more life experience, she would have good answers for me.
“I think that once you’ve decided to be physical with them in anyway, you can’t be friends.” Kaylee declared. “Even just making out with them, that’s enough to not allow you to be friends.”
She had a good point. For us women especially, we become attached when things become physical. In fact, the more physical we are, the more we fall in love. Meanwhile with men, they become less attached after becoming physical. It’s actually a scientific study that men’s dopamine decreases after being physical, while a women’s increases. Maybe this is why so many past lovers can’t be friends after they’ve ended things? Because the dopamine levels are so uneven, which means that the feelings between the old lovers are different. It makes sense now why many old lovers can still hookup from time-to-time after the split up, yet never get back together.
Men just want the sex part of it. Women are still somewhat attached, so they give the man what they want.
Say we take the physicalness out of the equation, does the rule still apply? Just because you’re not physical with them, it doesn’t mean you’re not attached emotionally. Can you really be friends with someone you’re still emotionally attached to? I don’t think so. At least, you can’t be romantically attached to them. There are so many different factors that contribute to this question that it’s hard to debrief over all of them. Who know that trying to be friends with an old lover could be so confusing?
I think in conclusion, I leave it at “it just depends”. I think it does depend on if you’ve moved on, how physical the two of you were, and if you ended the affair on good or bad terms. Either way, it can be really hard to try and not see that person in that sort of light again. The best advice I can give you is to remember why you two broke up in the first place. You and your old fling broke up for a reason; it wasn’t something out of the blue. If you really want to be friends with them, ok. But don’t be friends with them purely with the hopes of getting back together one day. Because you could be waiting for a long time. Do the healing you need to do first before you try and be friends with them. Remember that your ex-whatever is a person with flaws, so don’t put them on a pedestal either. The more you romanticize them, the more difficult it will be for you to truly move on.
Love yourself first. If they didn’t appreciate you while they had you, then make them wish they had appreciated you.